School. Friends’ houses. Vacations. Grandparents’ stays. Shared custody. There are so many circumstances where your kids may have access to internet-connected devices outside of your home. Can you still maintain internet safety for your family outside of your home? Let’s talk about it.
Defining Internet Safety
Before figuring out if we can achieve internet safety, we need to have a firm understanding of what internet safety is. The definition for the way I use the term is “the technological controls and relational practices that allow users to use internet-connected devices in healthy, beneficial ways with limited exposure to harmful and unwanted content”.
Technological and Relational. Both aspects are equally important. Router-based parental controls and other software controls, as well as talking with your kids about healthy tech usage and helping them grow to make responsible decisions for themselves.
So is there any way to apply these things outside of your abode? We’ll take a look at each of the circumstances mentioned above and evaluate each one. If you have another scenario you want added to this article, feel free to reach out to contact@internetsafetyconsulting.com, and I’ll get it added!
General
Before we dive into specifics, it’s important to remember the all the things you can do so that you don’t feel overwhelmed by the things that are out of your control. I emphasize and overemphasize the importance of the relational aspects of internet safety, because they can be just as – if not more – powerful than the technological controls.
Whether or not you’re able to get the perfect controls on your kids devices, you can support their tech journey immensely by talking with them about their experiences.
- Can’t afford internet-free private schooling or get the public school to ban internet-connected devices in school? You can still be diligent to talk with your kids after school. You’ll be able to help them healthily process the content they may have been exposed to and significantly limit the damage it causes their growing, malleable brains.
- In a shared custody agreement and can’t get your former spouse to implement safe controls for the devices he/she owns? Model and implement internet safety in your home with your devices, and talk with your kids about why you do it.
- Got a teenager who just keeps finding ways to sneak around your controls no matter what you do? Encourage them that you’re on their side and care for them. Walk with them in their journey. Teach them the dangers of the internet and help them figure out how to use it safely and wisely.
In a world filled and overwhelmed with internet-connected technology, there will inevitably be things out of our control. And that’s okay! Even if your best falls short of what you want, the care, love, and compassion you show your kids can have far more powerful and positive effects than the shortcomings of your technological controls.
School
If possible, keep phones out of the building.
Phones in school have a terrible effect on children’s behavior, experience, and attention span. It leads to more cyberbullying and less ability to focus in class. A mind overstimulated by social media and games cannot adjust to a slow and complicated math lecture.
The Anxious Generation website has resources to help parents petition to get phones out of schools. It’s already been successful in many schools around my area and around the country (including the 2nd-largest school district in the country!) have implemented phone bans and limitations, and yours can too! Parents and educators are acutely aware of the challenges phone usage can have on education, so let this be a time to come together and take action against something so harmful that has become so commonplace.
Find support and build community
Every other parent in the school is having to face the challenges of a tech-filled world with their kids. So let’s start talking about it more! Share your own struggles and successes with other parents at the school. Build up a community of like-minded parents. The more families that are aware and take action to implement internet safety practices, the less challenges and risks there will be for every kid at school.
Friends & Relatives
Understand the situation
Your kids are bound to make and have friends whose parents may not share the same understanding and/or implementation of internet safety as you do. That’s okay! Part of growing up is experiencing new situations and meeting people who are different from you, and then making decisions on if/how you want to change as a result of your newfound perspective. The important thing is to understand what the child and family is like with regards to internet safety.
Talk with the other parents. Ask them about their household tech situation, and share yours with them. With relatives, you’ll have more control and say in what they allow your kids to see and experience at their home. Once you understand what it’s like, you can talk with your kid about it and make a decision on when/how you allow them to go to the friends’ house.
This obviously gets more difficult as your kids get older, but if you practice internet safety throughout their childhood, you can be more confident and trusting in them to tell you about their experiences and make good decisions when they’re in new situations.
Spread the love!
Just like the school community advice I gave above, internet safety is a good thing for every parent to know. Share your knowledge and experiences with others. Help them implement these practices in their own home. Build up a community around you of parents of your kids’ friends who share your care and concern and work to protect and support all of your and their kids. Check out anxiousgenerations.com for organizations in your area to help you connect with other parents around internet safety issues.
Vacations
Router with VPN
If you go on vacation and are worried your kids’ phones won’t have the same strong parental controls you have at home, you can get a router that has VPN capabilities – like Gryphon or Firewalla. These routers allow you to set up a VPN connection on phones that routes all traffic from the phones back through your router. That way, the great parental controls you have set up at home will still apply, no matter where you are in the world!
Tech-Free Time
Vacations are the perfect time to limit or get rid of technology. Maybe “forget” to pack the iPads this time. Don’t bring that gaming system that always causes sibling fights. And adults – stay off your phones, too! Model healthy time away from technology, and let your kids experience some boredom and the creativity that comes with trying to end that boredom!
Shared Custody
Educate & Encourage
Shared custody situations can be extremely difficult, and I feel for the kids and adults who have to live in them. There is a wide range of contact restrictions and affinity that adults in these arrangements can have, but however you are able to communicate, do your best to share what you know about internet safety with the other party and your thoughts on how to apply that to your kids. Share articles, research papers, books, videos, and your own controls and practices in your home, and encourage them to be diligent about this in their home.
Control What You Can Control
It’s a common mantra for football coaches, but it applies here as well. You may not be able to own and manage your kids’ phones, or see them on the weekdays/weekends, or get the other party to care about internet safety. But you can control what happens and is discussed in your own home when your kids are with you. Do your very best in a very challenging situation and try not to worry about the things that you have no ability to change. Your love, care, and compassion for your kids will be seen and felt and have a positive impact on them regardless of other circumstances.
