Technology is invading every aspect of our lives. It’s at home, at school, in our vehicles, and everywhere around us. Each coming generation of children is likely to spend more time on the internet than the previous one because of its pervasive prevalence. We need to raise up internet-safe children by showing them how to be safe and responsible members of the digital world.
Raising Internet-Safe Children Relationally
The most important, yet often the most overlooked, aspect of raising internet-safe children is the relational aspect. Tech-based parental controls, including website restrictions, accountability software, screen time limits, password protection, app privacy settings, and more, are fantastic tools that can be used to protect your children online (that you should definitely be implementing for apps like TikTok!). As important as these are, they likely won’t to do much real and lasting good unless you focus just as much (if not more) on your communication and relationship with your children surrounding internet safety topics.
Any time you implement parental controls, it should be for the purpose of protecting your children. Protecting them from dangerous and explicit content, laziness, social anxiety, lies in the media, screen addiction, pornography addiction, and the many other dangers out there on the internet. Parental controls and device restrictions can be very helpful in achieving these goals in the short term, but you must remember the ultimate goal: raising your children to be internet-safe their whole lives.
If you lock down all of their devices and restrict all of their access for the 18 years that they are in your house, without teaching them to think for themselves and understand the dangers for themselves, they will be ill-equipped adults who are likely to fall victim to all of the dangers and issues with the content on these platforms that you tried so hard to protect them from.
You need to do more, and it needs to happen offline. Face-to-face. Hard conversations. Close listening, deep connection, and full understanding. Your children need to know that you love them and feel safe coming to you with their questions, fears, and failures.
If they don’t come to you, they will go to other sources for answers and support – namely, the internet and their peers (many of whom are going to the internet themselves and regurgitating the lies they find there to those around them). If you walk with your children through these things, you can help them understand the reality of the situation. They’ll begin to desire safety and wise internet use for themselves, which will carry them to be safe and responsible internet users for their whole lives.
The rest of the article will walk through some ways you can encourage your children to think critically and independently understand how to be safer online.
Explain Your Parental Controls and Restrictions
Any time you are adding a new parental control or restriction is a great time to discuss with your kid why you’re doing it. “Because I said so”, while true, may not be very beneficial for them to hear in these scenarios. Share with them one of the many articles that have been published about the dangerous content and cyberbullying that occurs on these platforms, and how putting these controls in place will prevent those things from happening to them. Get personal and talk about how you have wasted lots of time online and been hurt by it, and that you want to protect them from making the same mistakes you made. You could even find (light) examples on the app of harmful things and show it to your kids (in a safe manner) so they can get a real picture of what you’re trying to protect them from.
All of this boils down to being on their side. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve ever received was a note of encouragement by a friend at our wedding who said,
“Remember: it’s not you against her – it’s you two against the problem”
Yes! It is not you against your children, it’s you all against the problems and the dangers the internet poses. As difficult as it is to get your children to understand this (especially teenagers), you have to make an effort towards it. Consistently. The more you are open about things, the more they will want to be open with you.
Spend Time Online With Your Kids
Kids are inevitably going to spend a lot of time online. At home, at school, and with friends – the internet invades every aspect of their lives. You can join them and lead them online! Don’t let their tech usage be something they feel they have to hide from you. Play their favorite games with them. Don’t worry if you’re bad at them – they’ll enjoy that even more! Watch a show or they’re interested in with them. As you walk through these experiences with them, they will grow in understanding how to use tech safely for themselves.
As they grow older, you will grant them access to new apps and devices. Any time this happens, you should join them in their first experiences. Here are some examples of these situations:
- Watch their first PG-13 movie with them when they get old enough, pausing when concerning lines of dialogue or content appears and talking through why it’s bad and what the purpose of it in the movie is.
- Create family text group chats with parents, cousins, and relatives. Lead by example on how to text appropriately (and how to send hilarious and/or cringey memes).
- Create their first Instagram/social media account with them. Show all of the privacy settings and how to avoid dangerous posts and profiles. Show them your posts as examples of what’s appropriate and what’s not.
- Pro Tip: If you’re not comfortable sharing what you post online with your children, that can be a good sign that you probably shouldn’t have posted it…
People in general, but especially children, learn through observing and copying the behavior of others. Let your kids see your online behavior, and let it be behavior that is worthy of imitating.
Develop Device-Free Traditions
People often run to online apps and games the moment boredom hits because they’re entertaining and always available. Overindulgence and overreliance in tech is never a good thing though, so you should work on providing a lot of no-tech traditions, games, and time for your kids to enjoy with their parents and siblings. Here are just a few ideas:
Host a weekly or monthly family game night. Play board games, card games, or any other games that don’t involve the internet or screens. You can invite friends over for it to join y’all as well!
Attend live sporting events, or play sports with your kids in your yard or at the park.
Go shopping together. Set a weekly time to shop for groceries with your kids, or visit your town’s farmer’s market as a family.
Serve others together. You can all make meals for the homeless, help an elderly neighbor, pack food at the local food bank, clean up trash around your neighborhood, or do any other charitable activity.
While many of these things may be common events for you and your family, put extra emphasis on staying away from devices during these times. Have a “phone box” that everyone (yes, including parents!) puts their phones in for the duration of the activity. Make them feel comfortable not always having their phones or other devices on them at all times. Even in the tech-filled world we live in today, there are still so many beautiful things that can be fully enjoyed without any technological devices around.
Surround Yourself With Support
There are so many challenges and so many things to consider when trying to raise children to be internet-safe. The good news is: there is so much support and so many resources available for you to help you in this journey! Every other parent who has devices in their house is fighting a similar fight that you are. Reach out to them! Share your experiences with your friends and neighbors. Ask them what has and has not worked for them. Be open and honest about your victories and your struggles, and receive the same vulnerability and support in return.
By taking small steps towards implementing each of these practices, you will see the growth in your children as they become more independently wise and safe in their tech use. As important as each of these practices are, there are so many other factors and things to consider when raising your children. Parenthood is fluid and fluctuating and unique for each parent, and there are many considerations and circumstances that require unique and careful attention and responses. I’m here to help you. I have dedicated much of my time to the tech and psychology about internet safety that parents don’t have time for in the midst of all of their other responsibilities.
Check out my Internet Safety Resources page for more information on tech controls and parent-child relationship advice, or contact me today so we can talk through how I can assist in all of your internet safety questions, wants, and needs.
